The Waiting Place...For People Just Waiting

It's been a long time.

And why not? I've spent most of that time in a cycle about as exciting and unpredictable as a washing machine's. When life's got you pinned down in the trenches of practicality and routine, it's tough to find new things to say. Things that you want to say.

So you wait.

I'm twenty-two years old, still living at home while I finish a Bachelor of Arts degree at university. And, despite the fact that the people I grew up with are scattered around the world, despite the fact that I feel left behind and inexperienced, I know that I am a patient enough person to handle it. Still, it's frustrating.

It's not as if I've been entirely trapped. Over the past three years, for example, I have twice travelled across the continent. Alone. Having barely ever flown at all before. The first time I did it, I hardly knew how to read a plane ticket, let alone how to navigate layovers. Significant challenges accosted me during both trips, and somehow, as naïve and unsure of myself as I was, I somehow managed to quell them all. During the first time in my life where I had no lifeline, no shield, nobody to provide either protection or guidance, I discovered something: I needed none. Forging through these challenges, piecing together this realization, I felt many different ways throughout, sometimes all at once: Terrified. Versatile. Independent. Insufficient. Invincible.

Alive.

And perhaps, in part, it is that cacophony of feelings, a poignant mixture that I never experienced before or since those trips, that has incited my craving for change. To shatter lifelong boundaries and carve out new chapters of my existence.

So now, as I wait, it is this knowledge that rejuvenates my patience. This knowing that soon enough I'll have the chance of being on my own in the world, along with the fear of the pain that's sure to greet me there. The thrill of wondering if I can make it. The chill of being certain that I can.

A Part of this World

It would be rather untoward of me to neglect this page for two months, considering my resolution to maintain it.

I was asked after my last post what my definition of "relevance" was. And, if nothing more than an excuse to write another actual post, I think I ought to answer it here.

As I said before, I don't require of myself that I somehow change the world through my existence. I do, however, aim to have an impact on those around me; I want to stand out from the low standards of normality and be an exception to a society immersed in superficiality. I want my life to challenge and change those who witness even a part of it.

In short, I can't totally control what I change or how I change it. But I can absolutely control who I am, who I become, and whether that person is strong enough to make any difference at all. I want to live a life that has an impact on others. 

That, as close as I can explain it, is my definition of relevance.

This is all easy to say, but difficult in practice. I am naturally quiet, untrusting, and antisocial. I am working on gaining control over these characteristics, but their very presence means I still have significant personal obstacles to overcome. 

But maybe all that just means that when I become that stronger person, it will be all the more extraordinary. Traversing an easy road has never mattered for much.

Newness

It's been nearly three years since I graduated high school. Most people I know have moved out of town, gone off to university somewhere else, and just generally have new and (seemingly) glamorous experiences.

I live at home, attend a nearby university, and work at a fast food restaurant. I have often reminisced about the old days where I felt like I was on the same page as dozens of other people.

I feel very left behind. My life has changed. The people I know have changed. I've changed. Even the entire blogger interface has changed since I last saw it. And for the first time, I think that might be a good thing.

I have a natural tendency to resist change. I'm fond of familiarity. But, it's begun to sink in that there is no longer a set course that I have to follow, that I'm now solely responsible for where my life goes from here. That thought is empowering and exciting, but also terrifying. Because it's also begun to sink in that, having just recently been released into the world, I'm a pretty clueless youth with little idea of what I ought to do or how to do it, and I'm playing everything by ear. But ultimately, I don't want things to stay the same anymore. I want my life to keep changing. I want to have new experiences, to learn how to deal with different aspects of life, to become a better, stronger person. I want to change. My desire to return to the past is fading. I want to grow up. And above all, I want to be relevant.


Whether or not things have changed, I'm no longer satisfied with being unequipped and uninvolved in the world. Maybe that's the very issue that causes the feeling of being left behind - not making a difference. Not mattering. Not caring. After all, in the words of a certain hobbit...

You're a part of this world . . .aren't you?